It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write this, Kevin's father has passed away this afternoon.
I started writing this entry several times, and on each occasion I had to walk away because I couldn't find the right words. I would write in my head as I ran, or had time to gather my thoughts and little by little I've pieced this together. I planned on having this written before he passed because in a way it's a letter to him too, but things all happened so quickly that I didn't have enough time- there never is enough time when it comes to a loved one being with us on earth. Today the words seem to flow effortlessly, maybe because he's standing beside me writing this entry with me.
When I started this blog, I like any other new parent envisioned all the wonderful things life has to offer a tiny new human. When you daydream about what your child's story will be you never include all the heartbreak and sadness that every life accrues, and then something like this happens and you realize it's part of living. I haven't talked about Kevin's dad's fight with cancer before because I simply assumed that this would be a small blip in his life story. That he would once again over come the cancer and it would be part of his life story and not Landon's. Sadly, that isn't the case and it's just as much part of Landon's story than ever.
As I've said before, I have always hoped that one day when Landon's older he'd read this blog and look back at it as a baby book of sorts. It's been the most difficult entry that I've ever had to write and the best way I know how is to put it into a letter. I'm just sorry I never finished this before he passed.
Dear Landon,
Tears fill my eyes as I write you this letter. It's not an easy one to write, as you can imagine but right now you're too young to understand all that's happening around you. A small part of me is thankful for this, because I'm thankful that I can at least shield you from the unimaginable pain that one feels when they loose a loved one. The bigger part of me is so sad that you will grow up not knowing this amazing person. I think that's the hardest part for your dad and I as we face this. Not the loss for ourselves, because even though it's never enough time, we had time with your Grandpa. We shared memories and laughter and love with him. Our hearts break for you, because you will never have memories of this larger than life man.
I wish so much that you could have grown up with this special person in your life. You so deserve to learn about him for yourself. I promise as you grow older and you ask us questions about him, I'll do my best to describe your Grandpa, but I don't think that I could ever find the words to adequately to so. I apologize for that. It's hard to do him justice by only words- he was a presence you just needed to be around to fully understand the greatness of this man. He had a personality larger than life - his laugh could fill a room, his smile warm your heart and his positive attitude become infectious. If the world had more people like your Grandfather it would be a much better place.
Grandpa cried tears of joy when we told him that we were pregnant with you. I don't think anyone was more excited to have you join our family then he was- and even though your time together was short he cherished every single moment with you. From the first time he met you and you would nap in his arms, to the last time when you joyiously ran around the living room as he passed you pieces of donuts.
Know that Grandpa didn't leave this world without a fight. He fought this cancer with more strength and vigor than humanly possible. I assure you that he did so in part for you, to watch you grow up and share your life with you. I know it'll be hard but there will be moments in life where you'll pause and feel sad that he isn't there to partake in joyous occasion. It'll be ok to feel sad, because all of us will but don't feel sad that he can't see you, he'll always be there watching you, filling the room with more pride than you could imagine.
We promise to keep his memory alive in you Landon, so you never will feel like you didn't know who this man was. That you always feel his love for you, and that you will grow up becoming the person he would have hoped you to become.
Love,
Mom
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